Thursday, November 8, 2007

The Grass Is Always Greener

Every day I have to force myself out of bed and begin yet another mundane day of sameness. Begin my taxi route and then make my presence known for yet another 8 hours of nose to the grindstone. Most days I'm ok with it, other days not so much.

I of course get the grass is greener envy of those mom's who are blessed to stay home with their children and are able or try to establish a home for their family and volunteer at the school and do those other things that SAHM's do. I admit I get a little envious. Then I'm home with my children for more than a 48 hour stretch and I don't quite get those feelings anymore to be SAHM.

I've been at my "grindstone" for 5 years now and I honestly should have no room to complain whatsoever. For the type of job I do, I'm freely allowed to do my own thing with out much restriction as long as I do the thing I'm paid to do in between. In other words I can pretty much surf the web all day and blog to hearts content. Sounds awesome right? It's great really. Yet I've become complacent on a lot of things.

I'm a highly valued employee to my department as I can bring in the numbers according to reports. Yet I really don't care, it's not about the numbers to me. I have no motivation, I'm just there because I have to be. We couldn't live with out my measly salary. Some days I don't see how it makes a difference, yet hubs shows me the numbers weekly. He knows I'm just there to be there. He's told me go for finding something else. Sadly there is nothing else here that I could or would want to do with out finishing my degree and or not doing the same thing I'm doing now plus enjoy it. I keep reassuring myself I'm doing this for the greater good. Things will change I just have to be patient. I also know going elsewhere my little "cush" would be gone.

I also feel I've been to complacent with the kids. When I get home after dealing with the crazies of work, I just want to be left alone. I want to get dinner on the table and then just want to vedge. What end's up happening is I push the kids away to do something else to leave mom alone. The guilt comes on cause I tell myself you were allowed to vedge in a way at work. SAHM's don't get to vedge and you'd probably drive yourself even more crazy.

I hate hearing that Bossyboy has been on red yet again for the second day in a row and what can we do to resolve this? I want to say I don't know, you're the teacher, you should deal with it. Your with him more than I am.

I hate that the boys really can't do a lot of after school activities as it involves being in some out of the way place at a time that's not really suitable for a working mother, to get somewhere at a time when normal people are still working, not to mention the fact that I have two other children to retrieve and plus feed. Not to mention the exhaustion I would face of just running around like a chicken with my head cut off.

I have these debates in my mind on a daily basis about the things I would do being home or telling myself to wait things out. I know it's a total fantasy and I understand the isolation and monotony of being home. I've been on that side of the fence too. Hubs believes he saved my sanity by putting me to work. Maybe he did in a way. I have learned a lot and experienced some awesome people and moments the last few years, that I wouldn't get at home,not to mention it looks pretty good on my resume. I think I'm just ready for a change of some kind, yet ripping the covers off that which is my comfort zone, leaves me cold and scared.


Deb - Mom of 3 Girls said...

Are you my long-lost twin? I could've written almost every word of that post, and have thought about writing something similar. During the week, I go from work to home, anxious for the veg time I get after the kids are in bed - even though my work is also pretty unrestricted and I get a lot of down (read 'internet') time. I know we need my income but I sit here wondering how I can keep on like this for years to come - I'm so exhausted all of the time.

Sorry, I didn't mean for that comment to end up all about me, but I wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I hope that you can work out what you're looking for and find a way to make it happen. Hugs...

Krista said...

Yeah... so I don't know what to tell you. I'm a SAHM just recently and it's already driving me kind of batty. Luckily I've lived in this area long enough to have other moms that I can hang out with during the week. But still, my problem is that when my hubby gets home I want his undivided attention or for him to watch the baby so I can have some Me time, but all he wants to do is unwind from his day.
Then again, I don't think it would be humanly possible for me to leave my baby right now and go back to work. so you have my admiration in that!

Lawanda said...

I feel ya. *nod*

It is hard to be content either way. I honestly like staying at home best. It is really nice to get to be around other grownups, though!!

I am loving working nights and being part time. It is really nice. Could you consider going part time as a sort of compromise?


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