Saturday, January 17, 2009

I Really Am OK With It

I really didn't want to make a big shebang about the Baby on the Brain thing, because I knew that it was just a minuscule thought in my mind. I am glad that I got it out of my system by writing what I was feeling and thinking out.
You probably can now guess the result. No baby. Sorry. I know, I got you guys all excited or at least I'll pretend I did. The sad thing is, I got the hubs even more excited.

Everyday he would ask and every day would be the same. No unwelcome visitor today. The poor guy was almost giddy. I had to keep telling myself that this is not really happening because I know better. I didn't want his giddiness to really mess me up in the head.

Thursday afternoon we exchanged IM's. He was rattling off baby names...already. We hadn't even tested yet. I admit at this point, I was getting anxious because my annoying relative was on the verge of being really late. If no visitor by Monday. I was for sure going to test.
The hubs and I never agree on baby names. It took us almost the entire pregnancy for Bossy Boys name.
During the IM conversation I mentioned a girls name I really liked, knowing I'd get shot down. He fell in love with WOW! kind of love. I was shocked. That never happens. I hated that we were even playing the baby name game so prematurely but it was fun. Hubs was getting really excited. I just had to keep telling myself it's not happening.

Late Thursday night I got up to do my thing. I had been getting up to go pee a lot lately. (Another small psyche thing.) I closed my eyes and practically knew before seeing anything that this was it. I actually made a small prayer to God that I knew his will be done and that it truly just wasn't in the cards right now. I accepted that and sure enough he was right.
I didn't say anything to hubs that night. He was sound asleep. Friday morning before he left for work he came to say goodbye and gave me a quick little mention about baby "S" and that's when I had to break him the news. I think he was really disappointed but said he "he knew it" and went on.
The funny thing was all day Friday I was miserable. Like fetal position, nothing working miserable. Cramps like I had never had before. If the hubs had been online between 12-1, I actually would have asked if he thought he could come home early, cause home girl didn't think she would even make it for after school pick up.
I drug out the heating pad and cranked in Juno to make me feel better (Which btw is probably the worst choice movie to watch while hormonal...Im just sayin) Luckily I was able to feel somewhat able enough to pull myself together to get the boys. I'm just glad I didn't have to get out of the car and only had to drive 1/8 of a mile to get them. I got home crashed again on the couch and happened to catch hubs online.
I told him I felt horrible and he was off line in less than 5 minutes on his way home. Love that hubs he's a keeper. He probably was more than happy to leave a couple hours early on a Friday and to have a reason was even better.
All is well for the time being. Thanks guys for all the support either way.
Hubs has already mentioned that he's willing to try again and again. Uh huh... I'm sure he is.


The Mom said...

Jean, I am so sorry. I know how you feel. You aren't ready, but you are. Hang in there.

Jen E @ mommablogsalot said...

::hugs:: Oh the waiting game - even when you weren't trying, it's hard to deny some of the positive aspects of a positive test... We went back and forth between this a lot when we were "not not trying" and it's crazy hard on the psyche - even now that I am pregnant, I still go back and forth on whether or not it's REALLY truly a good thing - cause I'm weird or something.

At least now, for awhile, you can back to life as normal (well once Aunt Flo is gone anyway). ::sigh:: I love Juno - might have to watch that soon...

Lawanda said...

Your last line made me LOL :)

I love you man.

You do have a sweet hubs :) Maybe it will happen someday ;) They can reverse those things, ya know ;)

Krista said...

Bummer dude. We're trying and every time it comes up. Ugh.

What about adopting though? I mean if you don't want to go through a pregnancy again. And you know there are tons of babies that need your love! :)


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